My goodbye letter.

My sweet Bill,    

I'm not sure how to even begin writing this goodbye letter to you. How do I say goodbye to someone I  never intended on losing? The thought of never seeing you again is gut-wrenching and more than I can stand. That single thought makes it hard for me to breathe as the tears continue to stream down my face. It's excruciating being without you. I still tell myself it's harvest and you're just busy at work. Bill you are everywhere. In every breath I breathe, every thought, and in every prayer. Your hidden in the lyrics of every song I hear, and you're in the colors of every sunset I see. Your safety tucked away inside all the heart shaped rocks I find everywhere. The saying you don't know what you got till it's gone, is so damn heartbreakingly true. Your loss has shook me to my core. My biggest regret is not realizing the full extent of my love for you and what you meant to me until you were gone. It was too late for me to tell you how much I cherished you and how much you meant to me. That will haunt me forever. I regret seeing North Dakota without you in it. Being up there felt so much like you, so still, so peaceful and laid back. I now know why you loved it so much. Being in your home and seeing how you meticulously placed everything made me feel closer to you, but at the same time sitting quietly by myself in the room where you took your last breath  changed me. That house has become my sacred place of loss. I wish I would have realized just how short life was and just drove up there to see you. To say I miss you is the ultimate understatement. I regret being so bossy, demanding and always feeling the need to tell you what you should and shouldn't do. I know that it drove you crazy but I always wanted the best for you. I always had your best interest at heart and I'm sorry for being so overbearing at times. Another regret I have is not answering the phone the day before you died, looking back I would give anything to hear your voice one more time. I'm so sorry that I didn't answer the phone that day. The last time you were at my house I regret not hugging you longer and tighter. I would have cherished that moment if only I knew it would be my last. I was upset with you for not spending enough time with me, looking back it was so stupid and childish on my part. I'm sorry, I now carry that burden. Everytime I look towards my back door I see you there waiting to hug me goodbye. Its so hard living without you, but I must figure out how to go on. This world is not nearly as bright as it used to be, but I have to learn how to navigate in the dark. You were my other half, my biggest fan, my best friend, my soul mate and more importantly my little brother. You accepted me completely for who I was without any question. You were my earliest memories, you were my childhood, my adulthood, we grew up together. You saw me start a family and all the highs and lows in between. I regret not being there to protect you that day. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to save you. I will carry that burden for the rest of my life. Initially hearing the news I thought I was going to die. Those 3 words "Bill is gone" changed my life in a matter of seconds. Your unexpected death changed me. In those moments after hearing the news of your passing I not only broke, but I turned to dust and I went a little crazy. I will never be able to go back to who I was before February 25, 2019. I cry for the life you lived, and for the one you didn't get to. Regret and anger mostly haunts me. Why did you have to go? We had the rest of our lives left to be spend together. I will never get to see you find your happiness and see where this life takes you. I was supposed to see you walk down the aisle and hold your sweet babies. I miss you more than I could've ever imagined. There are days when your absence is the loudest silence I have ever heard. I'm so ashamed of how I've handled myself since you've been gone. I've been in so much pain. I've given up on this world and turned my back on the people who needed me the most. I wrestle with anger daily and I've found the comfort of alcohol and isolation. I've felt completely alone, left to drowned in an ocean of my own sorrow. In times like this you are the one that I would always turn to, you would always listen without judgment, then you tell me that everything was going to be alright. You were my compass in life. Whenever I was lost you would help me find my way back. I will forever miss the way you would comfort me like no one else could. You always felt like home. I can't take back the actions of the last several months, but I can try to make you proud from here on out. So I refuse to say goodbye, I'm going to say see you later. I know that although I can't see you, my hope is you're still right beside me. Your signs are loud and clear and always find me when I need them the most. From the Cardinal outside my window, Simple Man on the radio, and all the heart shaped rocks I've found I know that you can't be that far away. Somehow I'm slowly surviving your death. But living the rest of my life without you still seems impossible. Our bond of love is the one thing that surpasses death. I find hope in knowing that for a Christian like you, this world was the only hell you would ever know. But for the unbeliever who took you from this world, this was the only heaven he would ever know. That statement brings me so much comfort. On the hard days I sit and imagine the beautiful place that God prepared for you in heaven and how happy you must be spending your days in the holy light with your precious Dakota. I have faith that I will see you again when my days are done. My hope for the future is that one day I will tell my story of unimaginable loss, headache and everything that I've gone through, and it just may be someone else's survival guide. So until we meet again I'll continue to love you with my whole heart for my whole life. Rest in paradise Bill.