If tomorrow never comes

 

After Bill's funeral when the  of the world carried on like nothing happened. I was doing everything I could to keep it together. The kids went back to school and I found myself still mad at God. So betrayed by the rest of the world asking myself why it had to happen. I felt like a discarded piece of garbage, an outcast to society, I felt left behind. I was in my laundry room of all places. Knee high piles and piles of laundry surrounded that entire room and I was so overwhelmed I didn't even know where to start. That's what they don't tell you about grief. When it hits you, it hits like a grown man with a closed fist. Like lightning your suddenly paralyzed. After the funeral the rest of the world and all of the things that come with adulting continue moving forward, meanwhile your stuck, stuck and slowly sinking in all consuming quicksand. That was the first time that I was alone at home since his death. I got some coffee, turned on some music and begin sorting clothes. I was still so swallowed up by that overwhelming fog that I couldn't function. I didn't even have enough concentration or motivation to sort the dirty clothes. I felt so isolated and alone and honestly seeing the sun come up every morning was enough to piss me off for the day. I began to cry. I remember screaming to God why did you allow Bill to leave. I begged and pleaded for God to send him back to me. I pounded my fists so hard onto the counter I thought it might bust. I wanted something to hurt as much as I was did. I threw my cup of coffee across the room and watched the cup shatter as streams of coffee run down the farmhouse grey wall. I collapsed into those dirty clothes and for what seemed like hours I cried. I cried for all the memories we shared. I cried for all the memories we wouldn't get to share. It was then I realized, from that moment on there would be no new memories shared with my brother. I cried for the life he lost. I cried until I ran out of tears. My face so sticky and my cheeks burnt from crying. My shirt saturated, I remember looking up at the ceiling and calling out to him. "You never taught me how to live without you. How do I do this? How do I survive your death? I don't know how to go on without you! I can't even sort out my laundry!" Just like that a song played that changed my thoughts on life-and-death.

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face this world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost love ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love

Just what you're thinking of

If tomorrow never comes

As I sat there in complete awe. I felt his presence next to me, like sunshine on my face. I know he was there, he was always there for me. I could hear him through the lyrics of that song and that was a sign that I desperately needed. I found so much
comfort in knowing that even in death our bond cannot be broken. I'll carry him with me forever.