Nothing has changed

This month it will be 3 years since Bill was murdered. Im not sure how I've lived this long without him? I haven't really, I've merely survived his loss. Living without him is like walking with a sliver in my foot, everystep I take it hurts. The cyclone of emotions that go hand in hand with grief still swirl around me and I never know which one I'm going to get from day to day. Its exhausting and overwhelming. Somedays are easier spent in bed asleep blissfully unaware of his death, that's where I find my peace at times. 1095 days I've endured this excruciating pain called grief. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed all at once. They say it gets easier. Whoever came up with that shit, never lost anyone. I have come to terms with his passing, but I will never get over how. The how and why's keep me up at night. I still cry almost everyday for him and for the life he lost. Him leaving broke me, but being told he was gone before I could say goodbye killed me. That's grief one minute it disappears, then literally the next song on the radio reminds you of them and in an instant your back to the beginning all over again. Like now writing this... Against the wind is playing. Bob Seger had it right when he said 

" And the years rolled slowly passed.

 When I found myself alone.

 Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends.

 I found myself further and further from my home.

 And I guess I lost my way.

 Searching for shelter again and again.

 I found myself seeking shelter against the wind." 

I'm sure this song has nothing to do with loss, but it's fitting in this moment. I imagine the sadness of losing Bill will linger with me always and the grief of losing him won't be far behind.